Better and Worse Work is getting better. I showed up last week ready to take the bull by the horns and tame it. One of us wasn't going to make it through this - me or my mythical bull - and I am determined to be the victor. I finally know what I need to do to keep myself busy. I don't have to wait on anyone to give me orders. Whether I am doing it right remains to be seen but, I know in the eyes of my boss, that putting forth the effort is really what is expected. My willingness to try, to take chances is what I need to demonstrate more than anything.

The bad part is it is becoming increasingly evident that my son cannot attend this daycare. One of his teachers has stopped talking to me after I told her how I would like drop off to go. Today he came home with mysterious marks and a very rehearsed story, "I scratched myself" he said. He doen't use the word 'myself' - do they not know I get that, I know what words he uses and what ones he doesn't?

What's worse is that my tongue is somewhat tied. We plan to leave the center. I will have to gloss over as to why because the director's dad is very senior in my company and knows my senior management well.  ¶ 21:34 0 comments

  Glory Days I used to be smart. I used to be the resident subject matter expert on a handful of things. I am having a really hard time knowing nothing.

The past two weeks have been such a struggle. I have had limited connectivity to some vital tools to do my work. I have been working on some documentation that is just a rewrite of everything that already exists because I can't get anyone to commit to meeting with me.

I was somewhat prepared for the pressure of performing for my boss and her bosses - and comforted with the knowledge that my boss will do all that she can to help me succeed. Today, I know that the work I gave her was not what she wanted. This is unfamiliar territory, though, as I was always able to give her exactly what she was looking for when I worked with her before. I can't wait for that to happen again.

I was not at all ready for the big disappointment I have been to myself. I am working hard to turn this discouraged feeling into determination.

I can do this and I will do this. Not only will I do it but I will be great at it.

I just hope it doesn't take long as I am very impatient...  ¶ 22:33 0 comments

  Irregular My dear, sweet son has had a miserable time adjusting to his new daycare. So much so, he couldn't or wouldn't allow his bowels to move while he was there. Nice topic, I know - but it really makes it clear just how affected he has been by this. Today, thank goodness, he decided he could trust his new caretakers enough to loosen up and go for the first time in the six days he has been there.

He still cries at drop off - and even at the notion of being dropped off. I suspect he will for a long while to come - but, at least subconsciously, he is accepting the change. Something that seemed so unlikely at this time last week.

Hallelujah! Hooray for poop!  ¶ 21:21 0 comments

  Free Tampax! Today was my first real day at the new job. I have learned a lot already and can't wait until I feel truly productive...that said, I am really excited about what I discovered in the bathroom!

Upon entering the bathroom I made note of the machine on the wall, ever present in the most ladies' rooms, filled with 'feminine sanitary products' in the event that magical time catches you by surprise. It used to be these machines were 10 cents. More recently, they have charged a quarter.

This machine was labeled free. It still had a coin slot and a crank, but no coin was required to release the supply.

I could barely believe my eyes. I could have as many as I wanted. Somehow, this gesture seemed to relieve some of the injustice I regularly feel for having to endure this curse. After all, I am officially infertile now (even before the Mirena) so it seems to serve little purpose. Having to pay for these products has always seemed like a punishment. What's worse, is that there is a difference in quality and comfort that is based on price! It all seems so wrong...or it did until today...

In addition to these goodies, I found that all the drawers in the break room were stocked with individually wrapped plastic flatware! Oh how many times have I been forced to suck yogurt through a straw!

I have clearly crossed the threshold into Utopia...  ¶ 21:34 0 comments

  The chrysalis This was the weekend of transformation. I left work on Friday for good. I worked there for 7 years.

To put this in perspective, I am only 32. I have been married for 9 years and I have only been out of college for 9 years. 7 years is a very significant amount of time. Still, there was no real celebration. I worked quietly and left quietly.

My co-workers had bought me a cake - which seemed so odd given that there was a baby shower (that had been planned for two weeks) held just hour before with, yes, another cake. No lunch, no parting gift. I wasn't really expecting a gift, but I thought for sure lunch. They presented the cake at the last hour, literally, of my employment, during the meeting scheduled with my manager to turn in my equipment, corporate credit card, and security badge. When I asked if they would please dial in my long-time west-coast team mate they wouldn't...citing his working from home as the reason.

I didn't cry. Anyone who knows me knows the tears come easy. I think they were expecting I would. They mentioned it. Very odd.

I did cry at the hard-hitting reality that I have to move my son to another daycare. I found the best place I could and, based on the price, it is the best money can buy - but it is not on-site and it is not these teachers. They made a beautiful poster for my son with pictures of his little friends.

I have talked to my sweet boy about this transition and done everything I can to make him feel at ease. I hope he has a good day tomorrow. I really hope he has fun.

As for me, I will be attending orientation for my new employer - a competitor of my former one. I will reuniting with my former boss - my favorite boss. I will be thinking a lot of my little boy. I will learn some about my new company and I will discover where I will sit for the next phase of my career.

Here's to moving on. I am emerging a beautiful butterfly.  ¶ 21:57 0 comments