5.05.2006
Stranger than Fiction
I spent a good portion of today crying quietly at my desk. I had a really hard time articulating why to those I tried to tell and I doubt I will have much better luck here. I learned something yesterday at work that didn't change my situation much but changed my outlook dramatically.
When I had been told my position was being outsourced, I was also told that I had been considered for the open positions in the division and was determined not to be a fit. There was no place for me. Suddenly, I was an outcast in a world where I had been considered an expert for years.
I went into the proverbial tailspin.
I launched a publicity campaign that, had it been allowed to gain more momentum, would have elected me president. My sweet husband went back to the job he had quit due to stress. I spent money on job hunting books and suits. I wrote a fine resume. We talked about moving, even considered it inevitable. I schmoozed, and interviewed, and flirted, and kissed up, and disguised the pleading with an inflated self-confidence usually reserved for the nation's sales force. I was unstoppable...until I was met with the dark despair and hopelessness introduced to me by the entire situation. My usual sunny disposition had been blotted out by the toxic sludge of uncertainty and self doubt. It was the most horrifying roller coaster ride I can recall and it was all in my head.
What I found out yesterday was that it was probably unnecessary. Turns out, my position had been eliminated but there was still hope for me. In fact, the senior manager for our team said he'd love to have me stay in the division. I was dumbstruck.
Back on the flipside, I have evidence to suggest someone has been messing with my personnel record, changing my performance ratings and obliterating my history of high performance. I don't know for sure who may have done it but I suspect it was my manager who was mysteriously reassigned last week.
When I was initially let go (or not), all I wanted was my job back. Now I just want to run as far away as I can as quickly as I can.
Corporate America or The WB? Maybe both - I'll get started on a pilot as soon as I find a job. ¶ 21:57
When I had been told my position was being outsourced, I was also told that I had been considered for the open positions in the division and was determined not to be a fit. There was no place for me. Suddenly, I was an outcast in a world where I had been considered an expert for years.
I went into the proverbial tailspin.
I launched a publicity campaign that, had it been allowed to gain more momentum, would have elected me president. My sweet husband went back to the job he had quit due to stress. I spent money on job hunting books and suits. I wrote a fine resume. We talked about moving, even considered it inevitable. I schmoozed, and interviewed, and flirted, and kissed up, and disguised the pleading with an inflated self-confidence usually reserved for the nation's sales force. I was unstoppable...until I was met with the dark despair and hopelessness introduced to me by the entire situation. My usual sunny disposition had been blotted out by the toxic sludge of uncertainty and self doubt. It was the most horrifying roller coaster ride I can recall and it was all in my head.
What I found out yesterday was that it was probably unnecessary. Turns out, my position had been eliminated but there was still hope for me. In fact, the senior manager for our team said he'd love to have me stay in the division. I was dumbstruck.
Back on the flipside, I have evidence to suggest someone has been messing with my personnel record, changing my performance ratings and obliterating my history of high performance. I don't know for sure who may have done it but I suspect it was my manager who was mysteriously reassigned last week.
When I was initially let go (or not), all I wanted was my job back. Now I just want to run as far away as I can as quickly as I can.
Corporate America or The WB? Maybe both - I'll get started on a pilot as soon as I find a job. ¶ 21:57
